after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
the liver wants what the liver wants
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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