Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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