If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
