Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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