did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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