i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
