Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
