3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
