My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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