I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
