i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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