Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
