I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
