I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
