Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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