I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
