youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
