Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
