Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
