I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
