I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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