I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
