I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
