God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
