Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
