Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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