you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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