Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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