help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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