ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
