It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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