Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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