At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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