Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
