Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
