i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
