In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
