Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
