I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
