The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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