he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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