i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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