Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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