I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
