You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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