She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
