Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
