i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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