and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
