Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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