tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
